I’m a retired Army lieutenant colonel who spent 24 years getting lost in deserts, hallucinating pink elephants during tank battles, and proving that you don’t need to know where you are to lead soldiers. My greatest military achievement was bringing everyone home despite having absolutely no idea where “home” was most of the time.

I’m the son of a two-star general (competent) and brother of a quadruple amputee who became a national veterans’ advocate (heroic). I’m the youngest child who wrote a book about it (participation trophy).

Career highlights: Desert Storm navigation failure, million-dollar range destruction (authorized), and tackling NATO allies off a motorcycle. Currently boring museum visitors with stories they didn’t ask for. My wife and three daughters have excellent escape techniques.

From Hero to Zero is my first book. My family’s been providing material for years.